Wow....where oh where do I begin.
New posts to come soon
Saturday, January 26, 2019
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
The easiest and hardest goodbye
I hoped that I never had to write this post. Nobody should have to write a post like this, but here goes.
Tragedy can bring people together in ways that nobody can comprehend. I stopped posting for a while due to a major issue between a family member and myself. It was a bunch of upset feelings and the way a lot of stuff had gone on behind closed doors.
Fast forward to a week and a half ago. The family member sends me a text message out of the blue letting me know my Mom was in the hospital again. Normally this wouldn't bother me, since mom was prone to having seizures and sometimes having to be hospitalized. This time, she was transported to the hospital unconscious, and for about two hours, she wasn't responding.
That scared the shit out of me! Mom's had her share of seizures, and hospital stays for other things, but something this time totally felt different. I told my husband I had to get up there to see her ASAP. I remember yelling at him that I didn't want to hear from my hospital or my family that my mother died while coming up there.
Thankfully that didn't happen, but boy was I mad when I got to that hospital. However, I did find my mom did gain consciousness way before I got up there.....
She was in the ER and actually in a bed, and not a gurney, but she was a mess. She had a breathing tube in, was heavily sedated, and in honestly she looked high, confused and really depressing.
I have seen my mom in some sad positions, but this one was the worst. It was just so frustrating to have seen her in that state, and also in previous months, I could see that her health, and overall quality of life was going downhill.
Later that night, she was transferred to the ICU. I went with dad to answer some ridiculous questions about mom's medications, health and recreational activities. It was almost midnight by the time we got home.
The next two days they had tried to get mom's oxygen levels up, and to get her breathing tube out. She was fine, and even had been moved to a private room.
Then the weekend came...
Friday evening into early saturday she took a turn for the worse, and had her oxygen levels plummet, She went back to being intubated again, and was moved back to ICU. That was another sign for me to get back up there and see her again.
During this fiasco I never saw or heard anything official from a doctor, which I guess is typical, but it is really annoying. Saturday morning, dad and I went to the hospital to visit. I finally got to meet the doctor who was responsible for her care. He is a jackass. He walked in, introduced himself, didn't make eye contact, checked the chart and told us "her prognosis is poor. Do you have any questions?" and walked out after I asked one question.Not exactly what you expect after hearing news like that. A minute later a social worker came in and asked what our long term plans are. I know she meant well, but I wanted to tell her to fuck off, and let us have some time to let that sink in. Later that day we informed our family and others as to what was going on
Monday was a bad day. I went to work as normal, but was getting text messages throughout the day from family. There were only two options left for mom, and neither were good,
Her lungs were done, but her heart and brain were fine. She could have a tracheotomy, (a breathing tube permanently inserted into her throat,) a feeding tube into her stomach, catherized, colostomized, and basically bedridden.
Her other option was to be taken off life support, and fall asleep in death.
We all knew her opinion on the matter, in the past she had mentioned that she did not want to be on machines the rest of her life.
Monday afternoon Dad went to the hospital and got to ask her one more time for her opinion, She was sedated, and restrained so they had to wake her up....and nodding, that yes she wanted to go.
Tuesday we got to say our goodbyes. I cried so much, but I had to remind myself that she wanted this, that she wouldn't be suffering, and that it's only temporary.
An hour after I got to say my goodbye, my mother passed away.
The last week has been a roller coaster of emotions.I'm sad that I lost another best friend, that the person who enriched my life, fostered my love of reading, writing, technology, and my love for animals is no longer around. At the same time, I know she isn't suffering anymore, that she's not dependent on her oxygen tanks, or feeling like a burden to her children.
It was an easy goodbye because she isn't suffering, and that we as a family had tried and prepared for it.She had several health problems, and every seizure, stroke and fall was that much closer to the end.
It's still hard not to have her here. Sharknado 2 was on the day after, and I wanted to call her and tell her it's on, but she wasn't there.....
My mother was a beautiful person and a wonderful soul that will be missed.
Linda Winters
1951-2014
Tragedy can bring people together in ways that nobody can comprehend. I stopped posting for a while due to a major issue between a family member and myself. It was a bunch of upset feelings and the way a lot of stuff had gone on behind closed doors.
Fast forward to a week and a half ago. The family member sends me a text message out of the blue letting me know my Mom was in the hospital again. Normally this wouldn't bother me, since mom was prone to having seizures and sometimes having to be hospitalized. This time, she was transported to the hospital unconscious, and for about two hours, she wasn't responding.
That scared the shit out of me! Mom's had her share of seizures, and hospital stays for other things, but something this time totally felt different. I told my husband I had to get up there to see her ASAP. I remember yelling at him that I didn't want to hear from my hospital or my family that my mother died while coming up there.
Thankfully that didn't happen, but boy was I mad when I got to that hospital. However, I did find my mom did gain consciousness way before I got up there.....
She was in the ER and actually in a bed, and not a gurney, but she was a mess. She had a breathing tube in, was heavily sedated, and in honestly she looked high, confused and really depressing.
I have seen my mom in some sad positions, but this one was the worst. It was just so frustrating to have seen her in that state, and also in previous months, I could see that her health, and overall quality of life was going downhill.
Later that night, she was transferred to the ICU. I went with dad to answer some ridiculous questions about mom's medications, health and recreational activities. It was almost midnight by the time we got home.
The next two days they had tried to get mom's oxygen levels up, and to get her breathing tube out. She was fine, and even had been moved to a private room.
Then the weekend came...
Friday evening into early saturday she took a turn for the worse, and had her oxygen levels plummet, She went back to being intubated again, and was moved back to ICU. That was another sign for me to get back up there and see her again.
During this fiasco I never saw or heard anything official from a doctor, which I guess is typical, but it is really annoying. Saturday morning, dad and I went to the hospital to visit. I finally got to meet the doctor who was responsible for her care. He is a jackass. He walked in, introduced himself, didn't make eye contact, checked the chart and told us "her prognosis is poor. Do you have any questions?" and walked out after I asked one question.Not exactly what you expect after hearing news like that. A minute later a social worker came in and asked what our long term plans are. I know she meant well, but I wanted to tell her to fuck off, and let us have some time to let that sink in. Later that day we informed our family and others as to what was going on
Monday was a bad day. I went to work as normal, but was getting text messages throughout the day from family. There were only two options left for mom, and neither were good,
Her lungs were done, but her heart and brain were fine. She could have a tracheotomy, (a breathing tube permanently inserted into her throat,) a feeding tube into her stomach, catherized, colostomized, and basically bedridden.
Her other option was to be taken off life support, and fall asleep in death.
We all knew her opinion on the matter, in the past she had mentioned that she did not want to be on machines the rest of her life.
Monday afternoon Dad went to the hospital and got to ask her one more time for her opinion, She was sedated, and restrained so they had to wake her up....and nodding, that yes she wanted to go.
Tuesday we got to say our goodbyes. I cried so much, but I had to remind myself that she wanted this, that she wouldn't be suffering, and that it's only temporary.
An hour after I got to say my goodbye, my mother passed away.
The last week has been a roller coaster of emotions.I'm sad that I lost another best friend, that the person who enriched my life, fostered my love of reading, writing, technology, and my love for animals is no longer around. At the same time, I know she isn't suffering anymore, that she's not dependent on her oxygen tanks, or feeling like a burden to her children.
It was an easy goodbye because she isn't suffering, and that we as a family had tried and prepared for it.She had several health problems, and every seizure, stroke and fall was that much closer to the end.
It's still hard not to have her here. Sharknado 2 was on the day after, and I wanted to call her and tell her it's on, but she wasn't there.....
My mother was a beautiful person and a wonderful soul that will be missed.
Linda Winters
1951-2014
Sunday, April 13, 2014
I'm alive
Again, I must apologize for my lack of regularity in posting.
I think I have come to a point where I choose not to overshare the drama of my life. Seriously, it's become work, gym, sleep repeat. Throw in grocery shopping and church and there you have it.
I wish I could be telling you about the apartment hunting, or even house hunting we do on weekends, the ideas I have for decorating said place, cooking vegetarian meals, and taking selfies of my rapid weight loss.
My life is boring. No other way to put it.
Here's a good Rilo Kiley video. I love this song, and it helps with my writing. Enjoy.
I think I have come to a point where I choose not to overshare the drama of my life. Seriously, it's become work, gym, sleep repeat. Throw in grocery shopping and church and there you have it.
I wish I could be telling you about the apartment hunting, or even house hunting we do on weekends, the ideas I have for decorating said place, cooking vegetarian meals, and taking selfies of my rapid weight loss.
My life is boring. No other way to put it.
Here's a good Rilo Kiley video. I love this song, and it helps with my writing. Enjoy.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Wrting Sample
Anyone willing to help me beta read, edit etc. Please contact me!!
Prologue
Memorial Day Weekend,
The house had belonged to some
Hollywood type from decades ago, and was abandoned for as long as many could
remember. The disarray of the compound was obvious proof. Windows were broken,
walls were decorated with graffiti and floors were torn.
The house in recent
years was used for underground parties.
I shouldn't be here
She thought Bad things happen at these parties.
it would have been a
last hurray for her, being accepted to college and moving from the area soon.
A few people would
walk by and ask her if the rumors were true. Janie Alexander was leaving the
Dust bowl after all.
Friends would come up
and offer their congratulations. People would ask to pose for pictures, others
would try and give cups of alcohol mixed with god only knows.
She scanned the
estate looking for one of the men in her life.
She caught a glimpse of the one she was trying to avoid.
As if saved by the
bell, the lights and sirens of police cars coming up the streets, and the long
driveway. The party was starting to disperse. Bottles and red cups were being
dropped, people ran, and in the commotion, sparks ignited.
Looking out her rear
view mirror, Janie saw the fire consume the estate.
That was the last
time she was in her hometown.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Thirtysomething?!
Today is my 34th birthday! I hope 34 is the new 21, and I can kick this year in the ass, and leave last year in the dust. It wasn't a bad year, but it wasn't a good one either.
Anyway, happy birthday to me!!!
Anyway, happy birthday to me!!!
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
2014 A year of Changes?
You must be thinking "oh god, another post about new years resolutions, prefaced by the comment that 'I don't believe in resolutions' line....well you're partially right.
I don't believe in resolutions, and I don't really make any or try to follow anything. I try to make things happen as they happen. So, since this is the time that changes are to be made, so why not throw out there the changes I want to make, and figure out how to do them. Maybe later in the year, I can look back and laugh again.
Before I go on too much, I should state that things could always be worse. I could be the cracked out whore passed out on the side of the sidewalk. I could also be dead, or living back with my parents driving around in my POS PTCruiser, and being overdrawn three days after I got paid. I am very fortunate for being in the situation that I'm in. Do not get that wrong, but like any imperfect human being, you want to tweak things enough to work to fit.
I want to become a stay at home wife. I think my inner 21 year old is having a conniption fit at seeing that. I always wanted to be a writer, and the last two NaNoWriMo competitions have proved that it is hard for me to write, work a full time job, and manage whatever family drama I might have to deal with. I have at least three stories that are written out, but need depth, and plot holes filled. I seriously think the only way I could do it would be if I didn't have to work, or maybe worked part time, so I could focus on my writing. I was unemployed or severely underemployed most of 2012, and I did squat with my writing, so maybe not.
I do want a new job. I love where I work, but It's a dead end job, and I have been told on more than one occasion that I'm disposable, and even though I am invaluable, I'm still on the temp side, and only being paid minimum wage. Hubby wants to try again, and move out of the desert. I would love that. I hate this part of California, and would love to be near the beach, near Disneyland, and near some other things we just don't have in the desert. I also know that it costs an arm and a leg out there, and I just don't see husband making those sacrifices.
I have been talking with him about losing weight and doing things to get better. He has started exercising, and I have decided after a temporary glitch and the flu to hit the gym with fervor. Let's see how long this lasts.
One more thing that hit me, the roadtrip from hell was 9 years ago this year. Holy cow. That week changed my life forever. I'm sure next year I'll find a way to honor it.
Anyway, the lure of finishing a chapter, or fixing one of many plot holes in my stories is calling me.
I don't believe in resolutions, and I don't really make any or try to follow anything. I try to make things happen as they happen. So, since this is the time that changes are to be made, so why not throw out there the changes I want to make, and figure out how to do them. Maybe later in the year, I can look back and laugh again.
Before I go on too much, I should state that things could always be worse. I could be the cracked out whore passed out on the side of the sidewalk. I could also be dead, or living back with my parents driving around in my POS PTCruiser, and being overdrawn three days after I got paid. I am very fortunate for being in the situation that I'm in. Do not get that wrong, but like any imperfect human being, you want to tweak things enough to work to fit.
I want to become a stay at home wife. I think my inner 21 year old is having a conniption fit at seeing that. I always wanted to be a writer, and the last two NaNoWriMo competitions have proved that it is hard for me to write, work a full time job, and manage whatever family drama I might have to deal with. I have at least three stories that are written out, but need depth, and plot holes filled. I seriously think the only way I could do it would be if I didn't have to work, or maybe worked part time, so I could focus on my writing. I was unemployed or severely underemployed most of 2012, and I did squat with my writing, so maybe not.
I do want a new job. I love where I work, but It's a dead end job, and I have been told on more than one occasion that I'm disposable, and even though I am invaluable, I'm still on the temp side, and only being paid minimum wage. Hubby wants to try again, and move out of the desert. I would love that. I hate this part of California, and would love to be near the beach, near Disneyland, and near some other things we just don't have in the desert. I also know that it costs an arm and a leg out there, and I just don't see husband making those sacrifices.
I have been talking with him about losing weight and doing things to get better. He has started exercising, and I have decided after a temporary glitch and the flu to hit the gym with fervor. Let's see how long this lasts.
One more thing that hit me, the roadtrip from hell was 9 years ago this year. Holy cow. That week changed my life forever. I'm sure next year I'll find a way to honor it.
Anyway, the lure of finishing a chapter, or fixing one of many plot holes in my stories is calling me.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
2013 in Review
Wow, this year has flown by. It seems like yesterday I was just coming home from having my heart attack. So many things have changed. I have a different mindset heading into 2014, and I intend to make it my year to shine bright like a diamond. (sorry was listening to that song.) I don't like to make resolutions, because after a month, you forget them, break them and maybe until around this time do you decide to do anything about them.
I decided to look at bucket list and see if anything's changed, still haven't ran a marathon, or did Karaoke at the House of Blues, but I have done some cool stuff, like helped publish the phone book. I also haven't been much out of the desert, but I spent a lot of time cultivating good friendships like with my friend Jessica, my cousin Donna, and others, spending time with my husband, family, and also recovering from my broken heart. I made a more concerted effort to try and win NaNoWriMo, but still fell short. I did however go farther in my story than I have the last three years.
In 2014, I'm not sure what will happen. Will I be working? Will I be in the desert? Will I ever get a story finished? Am I asking too many questions? Well, tune in and find out.
I decided to look at bucket list and see if anything's changed, still haven't ran a marathon, or did Karaoke at the House of Blues, but I have done some cool stuff, like helped publish the phone book. I also haven't been much out of the desert, but I spent a lot of time cultivating good friendships like with my friend Jessica, my cousin Donna, and others, spending time with my husband, family, and also recovering from my broken heart. I made a more concerted effort to try and win NaNoWriMo, but still fell short. I did however go farther in my story than I have the last three years.
In 2014, I'm not sure what will happen. Will I be working? Will I be in the desert? Will I ever get a story finished? Am I asking too many questions? Well, tune in and find out.
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