I hoped that I never had to write this post. Nobody should have to write a post like this, but here goes.
Tragedy can bring people together in ways that nobody can comprehend. I stopped posting for a while due to a major issue between a family member and myself. It was a bunch of upset feelings and the way a lot of stuff had gone on behind closed doors.
Fast forward to a week and a half ago. The family member sends me a text message out of the blue letting me know my Mom was in the hospital again. Normally this wouldn't bother me, since mom was prone to having seizures and sometimes having to be hospitalized. This time, she was transported to the hospital unconscious, and for about two hours, she wasn't responding.
That scared the shit out of me! Mom's had her share of seizures, and hospital stays for other things, but something this time totally felt different. I told my husband I had to get up there to see her ASAP. I remember yelling at him that I didn't want to hear from my hospital or my family that my mother died while coming up there.
Thankfully that didn't happen, but boy was I mad when I got to that hospital. However, I did find my mom did gain consciousness way before I got up there.....
She was in the ER and actually in a bed, and not a gurney, but she was a mess. She had a breathing tube in, was heavily sedated, and in honestly she looked high, confused and really depressing.
I have seen my mom in some sad positions, but this one was the worst. It was just so frustrating to have seen her in that state, and also in previous months, I could see that her health, and overall quality of life was going downhill.
Later that night, she was transferred to the ICU. I went with dad to answer some ridiculous questions about mom's medications, health and recreational activities. It was almost midnight by the time we got home.
The next two days they had tried to get mom's oxygen levels up, and to get her breathing tube out. She was fine, and even had been moved to a private room.
Then the weekend came...
Friday evening into early saturday she took a turn for the worse, and had her oxygen levels plummet, She went back to being intubated again, and was moved back to ICU. That was another sign for me to get back up there and see her again.
During this fiasco I never saw or heard anything official from a doctor, which I guess is typical, but it is really annoying. Saturday morning, dad and I went to the hospital to visit. I finally got to meet the doctor who was responsible for her care. He is a jackass. He walked in, introduced himself, didn't make eye contact, checked the chart and told us "her prognosis is poor. Do you have any questions?" and walked out after I asked one question.Not exactly what you expect after hearing news like that. A minute later a social worker came in and asked what our long term plans are. I know she meant well, but I wanted to tell her to fuck off, and let us have some time to let that sink in. Later that day we informed our family and others as to what was going on
Monday was a bad day. I went to work as normal, but was getting text messages throughout the day from family. There were only two options left for mom, and neither were good,
Her lungs were done, but her heart and brain were fine. She could have a tracheotomy, (a breathing tube permanently inserted into her throat,) a feeding tube into her stomach, catherized, colostomized, and basically bedridden.
Her other option was to be taken off life support, and fall asleep in death.
We all knew her opinion on the matter, in the past she had mentioned that she did not want to be on machines the rest of her life.
Monday afternoon Dad went to the hospital and got to ask her one more time for her opinion, She was sedated, and restrained so they had to wake her up....and nodding, that yes she wanted to go.
Tuesday we got to say our goodbyes. I cried so much, but I had to remind myself that she wanted this, that she wouldn't be suffering, and that it's only temporary.
An hour after I got to say my goodbye, my mother passed away.
The last week has been a roller coaster of emotions.I'm sad that I lost another best friend, that the person who enriched my life, fostered my love of reading, writing, technology, and my love for animals is no longer around. At the same time, I know she isn't suffering anymore, that she's not dependent on her oxygen tanks, or feeling like a burden to her children.
It was an easy goodbye because she isn't suffering, and that we as a family had tried and prepared for it.She had several health problems, and every seizure, stroke and fall was that much closer to the end.
It's still hard not to have her here. Sharknado 2 was on the day after, and I wanted to call her and tell her it's on, but she wasn't there.....
My mother was a beautiful person and a wonderful soul that will be missed.
Linda Winters
1951-2014
